FINDING GRACE IN MOTHERHOOD

Friday, April 15, 2016

grace.

it can be such a tricky thing. in life yes, but when you're a mama? oh man. it can be extremely tough to give yourself a little grace. i mean you have these little beans whose lives depend on you.

my mind sometimes races at the speed of light; am i doing this right? is this a good decision? how will this choice affect my tiny human in the long run?

also questions fly through my head like; will she remember me cooking most nights? what will she say about me when she's in grade school? high school? college? will she be proud to call me her mother? or will she be embarrassed and not want me to meet her friends? should i be getting her into more activities while she's young? i mean she already goes to music class once a week and school for five hours twice a week but is that enough? and should she really be going to school already?

there are days when the questions that go through my head kill me. literally, i close my eyes and i'm exhausted from everything i'm thinking about.

but i'm a mom and if these girls parents aren't going to worry about them who will? i think it's completely natural for any mom to question or worry. but eventually i have to just realize that if i'm doing the very best i can do, that's all anyone can ask. and sometimes there are going to be missteps and sometimes there are going to be victories. i learn from them all.

and i want to protect them from it all. all the scary things in this world. all the bullies and the ugly words and the heartache.

i may not always be able to give them what they want as they grow.

i may not be able to tell all the mean girls off or answer why that man standing alone on the corner is asking for help or how sometimes the people we love with all our hearts can hurt us without knowing.

i may not be able to stop her from crying when she feels too uncomfortable in her own skin to put on a swimsuit like everyone else and i may not be the first one she tells when she's first in love, although god i hope i am, and i may have the door slammed in my face when i ask her what's wrong and i may not be able to console her after that boy she's in love with kisses another girl at that party and i may not be there to see her into her twenties or thirties because life isn't guaranteed.

it's a damn privilege, but today.

today i can hold her hand as we walk across the parking lot and today i can rock her until she's calm enough to dream while she slowly unlatches from another nursing session and today i can say that i am the luckiest mama in the world because i have two beautiful healthy happy girls and they are safe under our roof. who could ask for anything more?

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